I am thrilled to have found out yesterday that I do not need to endure chemo!! I have watched so many people go through it and knew what I was potentially facing in the weeks awaiting results of a test on my tumor. Thanks to scientists who developed a lab gene test to separate out those with Stage 2A breast cancer whose survival can benefit from chemo on top of hormonal blocker and radiation and those for whom chemo actually increases chance of recurrence, I find I fall happily into the latter category. All I have left is 6-1/2 weeks of daily radiation (and 7 years of hormone blockers to starve cancer cells). 

I admire herbalists and those who study and practice healing with and from nature. I appreciate integrative medicine centers that are increasing in visibility. But when it comes to skilled surgeons and examples of those who spend careers in labs creating tools to limit harm when the most blunt tool has formerly been the only option, I am thrilled with scientific advances. Reflecting on how things were in the 1970s in a time when all axillary lymph nodes would be removed and only option was mastectomy no matter the type of cancer, a time when one of the first public figures used her status to discuss the "woman's disease" openly, Betty Ford, and seeing now how treatments have become more harm-sparing is inspiring. 

That said, our ability to keep these small cancers from spreading still feels brutally blunt. As I viewed images of countless women's surgical scars and was experiencing the worst pain of my life in one of my pre-surgery procedures, I thought to myself we don't live in Medieval times, but that time period sure echoes into our present humanity in more ways than we progress-minded folks might like to believe. 

I have been working part-time and knitting part-time since surgery. My small couch has become a knitting nest with future completed items to share. Having this pause in my 6-day-a-week work schedule has been the closest thing to a vacation I've experienced in years, albeit in a bit more pain than I'd like to think an ideal vacation would entail. 

This mortality-facing pause allowed me to crystallize things I'd like to live into and experience in my remaining time here. I've lived a rich life, and feel blessed in countless ways. Nonetheless, in all honesty, cancer appeared in my life at a moment where I was having difficulty seeing a future for myself. Cloudy confusion about where we're headed is collective as well, so I know I'm not alone. But I was personally feeling I'd reached an ending point, a wall beyond which I could not see. Now I have greater clarity. 

My Field of Dreams 

• Train body to go on a wilderness backpacking trek with daughter who has wilderness first aid training and/or  small group of likeminded folks. Mission: To watch sunrise from a mountain ridge and/or wash feet in glacial streams before glacial streams disappear. 
• Host or co-host a knitting-hiking retreat for likeminded folks somehow, somewhere. 
• Find some way to make the job I've done for 27 years 50-70 hours a week a job I do 20 hours a week. 
• Replace my 22-year-old car with a small hatchback.
• Apply for my first home ownership situation ideally in a community setting with shared garden to allow for  combination of solitude in separate living quarters and community contribution. 
• Share my practices of awareness of nature connection as supportive and healing in whatever way can benefit others.

I made it through surgery and here's what I wrote in my blurry state the next morning.  

Now I am in my cozy home for last 24 hours waiting for edge of "cyclone" to pass my region of the Pacific NW, bracing for power loss but lucky thus far. 

My 20 or so inches of incisions appear to be healing well. Restricted in movement, I am very grateful to those who have driven me places, gotten groceries and food, lifted things for me, etc. I meet my medical oncologist Wednesday and hope to have a clearer idea of my treatment plan, but all I know for certain at this point is I will need a broader area of radiation that could impact my right arm more, so I am knitting and typing while I can. It appears likely I may need chemo after all on top of hormonal blocking treatment and radiation, so I will update as I know. 

Thank you to all again who have contributed to my gofundme bill paying fund, and those who have supported me in countless invisible and visible ways. 

A most colorful distraction. Stephen West's design is the perfect journey to recover from surgery. Each section is like visiting a new country or tasting a new food. 

SPOILER ALERT: Clue #1 of Shawlography Mystery Knit-a-Long. I am nearly done with Clue #2 and will post next. 

I am humbled. My siblings have pulled together to raise funds for my lost wages while recovering my health. 

​GoFundMe - https://gofund.me/8bb72bbc

Grateful to a local group called Friends of Friends that has covered some of my medical bills not covered by insurance, and financial assistance from my hospital covering other bills. As I learned with my daughter, it seriously takes a village to recover from cancer. 

If you feel so inclined, I appreciate any and all forms of support including nonmonetary energy, prayers and thoughts for surgery and beyond. 

Thank you!

My first attempt at a Pi Shawl is Expression Fiber Arts Montagne. I would like to find someone willing to help me frame it as wall art, because I clearly misinterpreted something or knit very tightly the last sections of the pattern to end up with a difference of 10 inches in diameter and a skein and a half of yarn leftover from the original design's intent. 

Regardless, it was a fun knit, and I would like to make another Pi Shawl next year. 

For the next three weeks, I have decided to transform my yarn library into the pattern that literally every knitter I've met says is their most fun thing to make - Andrea Mowry's Shift Cowl. Love to mix and match colors and see what appears, and what a great shape to throw around the neck for fall/winter. 

Between working FT, I have been busy having MRIs, ultrasounds, mammograms and biopsies over the last two months, and now my surgery is scheduled for October 15. Until then, it's knit while the sun shines, because I have no idea how long it will be until my arms, body and mind will be recovered enough to knit and work. For sure I will have four weeks of radiation after healing from surgery, and will learn if anything changes for my treatment when pathology returns from surgery around October 22.

Any prayers and well wishes around that time for swift healing are much appreciated! 

You probably shouldn't (think).

Wow it's been a doozy folks! All around the world, the little chaos meter is bubbling away. It can be hard to take our eyes off it all. 

But maybe it's time for a few more naps, a little more reminding ourselves of our lesser known moments like joy and humor. Last night I experienced deep belly laughs in a family game night with old-fashioned games like Password with little plastic sleeves called "leatherettes". In the 1980s, these game companies really thought we'd be fooled that plastic is leather, apparently. 

My vegan, nonsmoking, nondrinking, organic food eating, distance walking self was shocked to learn last week that I have breast cancer. And yet it somehow feels in keeping with the patterns of my life or life in general. Just when you get a little too comfortable ... like 6 months after moving into the first rental in a long while that feels like home and you restore your financial losses from 2020 ... whamo, the chaos meter dials up a notch and you are back to an uncertain path of entering countless medical facilities during a pandemic.

I'm getting tested for BRCA gene, withdrew prior plans to forge a new way to live into my heart, and will spend the next months focused on paying medical bills and recovery from surgery. I will not be using this blog to list all details of my journey, but instead will mention only the big-ticket items and insights. I imagine the slowness of recovery may involve the eternal life raft of knitting, so to that end, I'll share here. Fortunately, I am surrounded by loving family and community charities who can pick up pieces for me, but oh how I really don't wish to be here again, seeking support in order to survive. 

Interestingly, as an acupuncturist told me, energetically breast cancer represents overgiving patterns and blocks against receiving, so I will practice receiving and trying not to feel so darn bad for the people caring for me. I tend to go to nature to receive, but I am awful at it for humans. 

Now that I am experiencing the C-beast from the caregiver, clinic note (transcribed oncology reports 2 years), and patient side, I hope I can use my wisdom someday to serve others. For a decade I've held a vision of myself leading/guiding small circles of diverse people in the woods. I'm pretty clear at this point that I do not want to be sitting in a room alone typing until my last breath, but for now it continues to be my 26-year self-supporting survival mechanism. Transcribing continues, with some measure of gratitude I can work from home protected in a physically compromised state while pandemic surges. 

I've started a private Facebook group called Healing Outdoors Now where anyone can gather to share nature images and words of inspiration about nature's nourishment. You don't need to be in the cancer world to join. Feel free to stop on by.  

In order to have a compelling structure to get me off my behind, I have pledged to walk 100 miles in June to raise funds for expanding pediatric cancer treatments. I tend to walk roughly 50 miles a month, so it'll be an experiment to see if I can double the mileage without cramming 75 miles into the final week (egads!). Here is my fundraising link which will run through the end of June: 

A Mile For a Child

I have been knitting a lot, with very little to show from a mystery knit-a-long until it's complete, as well as a top secret test knit. 

Completed a course on expanding my intuition which was a blast and put me in touch with an amazing virtual community, and now am beginning an 8-week course on intuitive plant medicine with Asia Suler, whose programs are pure magic. Soon I will restart volunteering with Whidbey Institute in their medicinal herb garden, and after a lifetime conversing with and observing the plant world, I love being a student expanding this exploration further and filling my cup to create deeper offerings after ANFT certification. 

Images from last few weeks include a drenching rain walk through 7 miles of a land trust trail, glimpses of plants surrounding my abode, and two beaches within 20 minutes drive. I truly feel blessed to live surrounded by all this abundance of the non-human world. 

Yes!! We with #KnitforFood collectively raised $270,660 for Meals on Wheels, Feeding America, World Central Kitchen, and No Kid Hungry. As someone who raised a child with help of a food bank, I am amazed by the generosity and accomplishment. 

It was one amazing day, and now as I return without injury to my full day of typing, I think the stretches I learned during the Knit-a-Thon from an athletic trainer Mara Smith (mara_knits_on in Instagram) who teaches knitters how to avoid injury, and the talk by Carson Demers on ergonomics really helped and will help me going forward in my work and knit life. Below are pics I took during the event, including walking on a beach at glorious low tide, chilly in the 40-degree range, which allowed me to master slow walk-knitting. I will be walk-knitting my yarn with backpack in the future for sure to keep the blood flowing. 

The Math: Over 12 hours, I completed 11, 520 stitches on my Pi Shawl, an inch on my linen stitch cowl, a thumb gusset on a fingerless mitt. I will be participating next year with a lot more lead time to fundraise. 

An amazing thing happened when a knitter offered to help another knitter in need. A group of us Fruity Knitting Patreon patrons from around the world gathered to help publish a beautiful pattern designed by a woman who has no desire to receive accolades or be a designer, only wanting to do what she could to thank the people who have given us so much incredible content over the years. If you are looking for a fingerless mitt design complete with video tutorials, charts, and written pattern, please take a look by clicking on the image above to access the pattern on Ravelry. 

It is inspired by Andrew and Andrea of the Fruity Knitting Podcast, and the Black Forest. Andrew was diagnosed with an inoperable tumor a few months ago and sadly recently we learned passed. He will be sorely missed by all whose lives he touched. Since the podcast was their only source of income, and we – patrons – have already received a goldmine’s-worth of knitting content carefully created by them, we want to support the family during these challenging times. Therefore, 100% of the revenues from this pattern will go to the family. Please do check out their podcast, consider becoming a Patreon patron or making a one-off donation.

For me personally, I am honored to be a store conduit for the pattern due to the synergy of healing provided by the Black Forest with my future intention to become a Nature and Forest Therapy guide, and my prior history as a cancer caregiver. May this pattern go far and wide in gratitude to Andrea and Andrew and may the forest be with them. 

This week I applied to a new beginning, which is really a continuation for me of a decade of visioning and work toward a goal of serving people in ways most natural to me. I receive nourishment from the natural world daily and have long wanted to find a way to guide others to do the same. 

I have been accepted into the guide program of the Association of Nature and Forest Therapy, which is a global guide certifying body that lists their mission as: To nurture heart-centered relationships between all peoples and the more-than-human world of nature. If you click on the book image above, you can see a directory of guides, many of whom offer virtual walks during shelter in place times for reasonable cost.  ​

I can't imagine a better job description for what is in my heart. My goal with this certification which includes completing basic Wilderness First Aid and immersion experience is to be able to completely revamp my former vision for HealingOutdoors.org into a project separate from the context of hospital caregiving and medical trauma and instead focus on guiding small groups from any background to direct experiences in the natural world. 

Lack of funds and confidence in my leadership abilities have been obstacles (one external, one internal) in my way to applying to ANFT since it began nearly a decade ago. In this moment, I have decided if I don't try now to obtain further support and training to do the work of my heart, the purpose my life path has trended toward, I will only get older and stiffer resigning myself to full-time desk work. I replace keyboards every few months, but even then I type so much, I wear off the letters on the keyboard! This month marks my 26th year of transcribing human voice full-time at a computer when everything in my being wishes to be serving others more directly and connected to the outdoors in some way. My hope is to eventually spend weekends guiding walks, therapy for myself and others. 

I intend to hand make items over the next few months to offer via my Etsy shop in order to fund my dream to enter the November 2021 cohort. I am not using copyrighted patterns and every item will be made with love. 

PHOTOS: Many of my well-loved items have been gifted without remembering to take photos, so I will update better quality item pics as I make a variety.

READY TO SHIP: If you want one of the 3 hats of my own designs pictured above the PayPal button made from one-off skeins of wool that cannot be identically ​duplicated, simply go to the More tab at the top of this website and choose from Wearable Items. If you would like me to make a slight divergence from the images of one of those three hat designs using what wool I have on hand, please specify which one: Fiddlehead, Gulls & Waves, or Fir. If the checkout process gives you any trouble on this site and you would rather use the contact form with your shipping info and want to Venmo or PayPal me the request, I can email you a link. 

WAIT TIME: Since my making time is evenings only, I anticipate making 2-3 items per week, so I will ship in order received slowly. Thank you for your patience in advance. If you receive in the summer months, you can have it for the Fall. : ) 

P.S. Once my funding needs are met for ANFT, I will resume my standard donating 10% of proceeds to three nonprofits involved with healing earth. 

In honor of National Women's History Month, I started reflecting upon all the women I've admired and learned from since my arrival on Earth. Here is a partial list, only because I can't possibly recall every single one. If you want to try this list to inspire yourself, you can bring it to a higher level by writing character traits and qualities of each of the women you list. Then read over those qualities, put a hand over your heart, and know that you contain a bit of each of them or you would not be drawn to them. 

• My sisters, mother, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, niece, daughter
• Leslie Marmon Silko
• Joy Harjo
• Naomi Shihab Nye
• Gwendolyn Brooks
• Harriet Tubman
• Sojourner Truth
• Ida B. Wells
• Michelle Obama
• Wangari Maathai
• Rachel Carson
• Friends Ingrid, Regina, Tana, Kathleen, three Leslies
• Sherry Richert Belul
• Pema Chodron
• Molly Hahn, aka Mollycules
• Transcription colleagues
• Fifth grade teacher, Barb Trujillo
• Epidemiology, Genetics, Botany, Microbiology high school teachers Ms. Russell and Ms. Cotton
• Any fellow single mom I've ever met
• Any mom of a child with a life-threatening illness
• Any woman who enjoys her own company 
• Any Tree Sister
• Countless fiber artists and knitwear designers whose work I admire, too many to name
• Cary and Mully, two foundational women in my community's social safety net
• Three piano teachers who brought me from beginning at age 7 to a music conservatory at 17
• Women volunteers and staff at Ronald McDonald House, food bank, domestic violence office, hospitals
• Peace Pilgrim

Striving toward feeling safe is my biggest lifelong achievement. I wonder how many men seek safety most of their lives? Probably quite a few, but feeling truly safe in my own body, my mind, and in the world has been the longest journey, and I've often wondered if that is primarily a woman's underlying condition or a human one. Times when I've felt safe, I find it hard to sink into that fully and trust it, so I am super grateful to be in a place where I am surrounded by natural environments during the pandemic. Not sure how long I can cling to remaining financially, but there goes the mind spinning off into the catastrophic future ... breathe, and I'm back here and now. 

A free retreat anyone may enjoy is Global Sisterhood from March 6-8. I'll be dipping in as obligations allow.